The Real Truth - Why did I Crumble at the Wednesday Workshop?

Yesterday was so strange. I met Arthur at Liverpool Street Station at 12pm and when I met him, I couldn't believe how different he looked. It's been 3 years since Drama School and this guy walking towards me had long hair in a bun, which he told me he didn't wash the usual way anymore, holes in his jacket, was thinner than I remember and told me that he was now Vegan. This wasn't the Arthur I remembered. The Arthur I remembered used to have tamed hair and absolutely loved to feast on meat. He even told me yesterday that he missed sausages...

We talked about our current lives as we bought a vegan lunch, but we didn't have time to eat it as Arthur was already late for for the start of his workshop. 

I went in and met the course leader, Faith, as well as the others and was instantly thrown into watching the 'Repetition' exercise, where the other actors repeat what the other has just said, based on what they observe about the other person. 

I had finally seen the truth in Arthur as I watched, remembering that at Drama School he had struggled with this at times. There were moments he was so real at this workshop and of course there were also times when he was bullshitting...

I watched for those few hours people crying and becoming so emotional on particular repeated lines.

Finally it was my turn to stand a face another new person to the workshop and had to describe what I could see. 

I could do this looking at him, but when I was asked to close my eyes and say the first thing I saw it became harder instantly and I wasn't sure why.

I kept saying things that had an opinion, like 'Granddad' and 'Monster.' All I had to do was say things like, eyes, hair, teeth, lips etc. Just simply state the physical.

Faith told me, 'You look defeated. You look defeated before you have already begun.'

And I cried.

I cried, I think, for a mixture of reasons. I cried, because I had been feeling defeated for so long. That I had dealt with these feelings in my own way, but now I was exposed again. And I think I'm starting to realise that I don't want to be vulnerable again. People watching me and being told to state the physical in someone else was suddenly just not easy anymore. All I wanted to do was to be left alone. For once in my life, I didn't like that feeling of being on stage, with people watching and looking right into me. I've had emotional baggage recently that's hard to handle. I find out today whether or not my mum has cancer and was told recently by my dad that I should start 'taking responsibility,' despite the fact I have many responsibilities already. 

I wanted to hide away from the world yesterday, because I wasn't ready to unleash what I'd been feeling. Low and scared. I didn't want people to see that. 

I left the workshop because I had to see my friend, another Drama School colleague, Chloe. I decoded with her what had happened. I feel now as if I'm over Acting. And I think Drama School did me damage. It's made me realise that I didn't want to keep living in the dramatic world. Instead, I want to do my job and be a teacher, who makes classes fun and is a role model to children who have nobody. Not to stand up and crumble in front of strangers because I'm 'holding back.' I want to cry in front of people who love me and have been on that journey with me. Not to indulge in any 'techniques' or 'strategies.' I feel like I'm passed that and this may be why I couldn't connect with the exercise. I wasn't being there for me, I was actually being there for someone else. 

At this moment in time, I want to do what makes me happy, and when I teach, I forget my worries and my fears and help others with their own issues because the people who are meant to listen to them simply can't or won't. I want to use Drama as a way of building people up and focusing on their positives, not going deep inside them and trying to pull out their fears or worries, because I see it in their eyes every day. If they want to talk, I am here. 

But I think sometimes, it's better to let people deal with things in their own way. I have dealt with it in my own way and it is not in front of people on a stage under beaming lights. It's with people who care. I do not want to be feel like a spectacle. I am a human being.